06:10:28
I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don't have as many people who believe it.
"Roses Are Red/Violets Are Blue/Objectivism Is A Morally Bankrupt Ideology/Ayn Rand Sucked As A Writer And Person Too"
I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.
If you don't stack the plates so the patterns on them align, then how do you make the tormenting, screaming demons in your head go away?
To Do: Paint house door with lamb's blood so the Easter bat won't fly in and eat the Jesus eggs.
He's snoring so loud I can barely hear myself plotting his death.
I'm just a regular guy, putting on my Capri pants 3/4 leg at a time.
"I don't even own a TV" no longer impresses me. Talk to me when you've transcended the toilet.
Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirty pirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.
How much money would it take to buy the song Fireflies and lock it up, never to be heard again? Because that's how much I want.
Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.
The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro
There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.
When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be… "I left one million dollars in the...."
bet that lactose-intolerant mice get picked on a lot.
Almost went to jail today, was pretty scary!!!! Those monopoly games can get pretty intense!!
was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked "Add to cart."
finds it helpful to organize chores into categories: Things I won't Do Now, Things I Won't Do Later, and Things I'll Never Do
A woman's work is never done. Which is probably why they don't make as much.
In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.
How do you find will smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints...
learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but ticking everyone off is a piece of cake
Moving to Google+ after a Facebook change is like moving to Canada after an election. No-one ever actually goes through with it, and even if they did, they wouldn't have any friends when they got there!!
is sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.
The Russian Military is saving money by using inflatable tanks as decoys. You cant tell them apart from the real thing....apart from the sign saying 'No Shoes'..
believes every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I have a problem with!!!
just painted a blue square in my yard to trick people viewing Google Earth into thinking I have a swimming pool!
will be dressing up as a ball player for the NY Mets this halloween. I figure I won't need a uniform either since at that time of the year, they are all wearing street clothes anyway
is the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I'm asleep
has transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. Enjoy!
It is difficult to be stupid... competition is huge...
thinks animal testing is a terrible idea. they get all nervous and give the wrong answers anyway
As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point up
Always look on the bright side. For example, don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey
Finds that most Christians treat their bible like computer software. They just scroll down the terms and conditions without reading it and click 'I agree.'
got bit by a retroactive spider instead of a radioactive one! Now I'm making tie dye webs
?Why is it that car commercials know which old songs were good but oldies radio stations don't?
Why do local banks feel compelled to inform of us the temperature? I can't recall every thinking to myself, "Oh, it's 42 degrees, maybe I'll take out a loan."
is not being weird. I'm being me. There's a difference. A small one, but still a difference
Addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
WARNING: if you get a message from me with a link asking you to look at my tinned meat DON'T OPEN IT.. it’s SPAM
can't believe that it's the year 2012 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up
Starbucks has announced that they will start selling beer and wine in their stores. Apparently, they've run out of sober people to sell their $9.00 cups of coffee to.
Polls show that if the election were held today...an overwhelming majority of Americans would be very surprised
never understood people watching a football game wearing their team jersey. Thats like me watching CSI dressed as a dead murder victim....
The only graceful way to accept an insult is to ignore it, if you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
New entertainment: I go to a FB friend's wall that I rarely talk to and I keep going back to the oldest post I can find from them and press like.
This really confuses them. Especially, if it's them just asking someone you don't know how they are
just once I want my wife to greet me at the door like the dog, jumping on me, slobbering all me all and wiggling her butt. But if she's only doing it so she can go out to pee. like the dog, I'd be devastated
never lets her children watch big band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins
Don't make fun of a fat guy with a lisp. He's probably thick and tired of it
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
95% of all Fords sold in the last 20 years are still on the road today. The other 5% actually made it home.
was going to buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking', and then I thought, what good would that do?
Very few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather special to be one of them
truly hope that we will all be friends until we are all old and senile...
Then we can be NEW friends again!!
it's ok to steal my status updates, but I just wanted to warn you that I lick each one before I post them.
Why is it that car commercials know which old songs were good but oldies radio stations don't?
Why do local banks feel compelled to inform of us the temperature? I can't recall every thinking to myself, "Oh, it's 42 degrees, maybe I'll take out a loan."
is not being weird. I'm being me. There's a difference. A small one, but still a difference
Addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
WARNING: if you get a message from me with a link asking you to look at my tinned meat DON'T OPEN IT.. it’s SPAM
can't believe that it's the year 2012 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up
Starbucks has announced that they will start selling beer and wine in their stores. Apparently, they've run out of sober people to sell their $9.00 cups of coffee to.
Polls show that if the election were held today...an overwhelming majority of Americans would be very surprised
never understood people watching a football game wearing their team jersey. Thats like me watching CSI dressed as a dead murder victim....
The only graceful way to accept an insult is to ignore it, if you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
New entertainment: I go to a FB friend's wall that I rarely talk to and I keep going back to the oldest post I can find from them and press like.
This really confuses them. Especially, if it's them just asking someone you don't know how they are
just once I want my wife to greet me at the door like the dog, jumping on me, slobbering all me all and wiggling her butt. But if she's only doing it so she can go out to pee. like the dog, I'd be devastated
never lets her children watch big band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins
Don't make fun of a fat guy with a lisp. He's probably thick and tired of it
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
95% of all Fords sold in the last 20 years are still on the road today. The other 5% actually made it home.
was going to buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking', and then I thought, what good would that do?
Very few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather special to be one of them
truly hope that we will all be friends until we are all old and senile...
Then we can be NEW friends again!!
it's ok to steal my status updates, but I just wanted to warn you that I lick each one before I post them.
I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don't have as many people who believe it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Did Noah include termites on the ark?
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
I would love to insult you... but that would be beyond the level of your intelligence.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".
Boy : I have a pen you have a phone number. Think of the possibilities. Girl : I have a sandal you have a face. Think of Casualties.
Are you a Nice girl or Good girl?: NICE girls blush when they watch porn, GOOD girls smile cause they know they can do better.
Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny, well...Enough about ME! How about you?
Why do only 20 percent of blonde chicks lay Easter eggs? The rest are hunting peckers.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.
I love my FedEx guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it — and he's always on time.
Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute? The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.
Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.
If you got tired of living, don't share your thoughts with all your friends – they might not give you a chance to change your mind…
Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
I don't think you act stupid, I'm sure it's the real thing.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic!
How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Because at my house they're 100% off,
You still use Internet Explorer? You must like it nice and slow.
My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.
Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I named my hard drive "dat ass" so once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
My New Years resolution is 1080p.
Computer does what you command him to do but not what you want from him.
It's ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Never break someone's heart because they have only one inside...break their bones because they have 206 of them.
Life is a comedy for those who think, but a tragedy for those who feel.