JIM OCH DU

 

"Roses Are Red/Violets Are Blue/Objectivism Is A Morally Bankrupt Ideology/Ayn Rand Sucked As A Writer And Person Too"

 

I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

If you don't stack the plates so the patterns on them align, then how do you make the tormenting, screaming demons in your head go away?

To Do: Paint house door with lamb's blood so the Easter bat won't fly in and eat the Jesus eggs.

He's snoring so loud I can barely hear myself plotting his death.

I'm just a regular guy, putting on my Capri pants 3/4 leg at a time.

"I don't even own a TV" no longer impresses me. Talk to me when you've transcended the toilet.

Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirty pirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.

How much money would it take to buy the song Fireflies and lock it up, never to be heard again? Because that's how much I want.

 

Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.

The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro

There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.

When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be… "I left one million dollars in the...."
bet that lactose-intolerant mice get picked on a lot.

Almost went to jail today, was pretty scary!!!! Those monopoly games can get pretty intense!!

was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked "Add to cart."

finds it helpful to organize chores into categories: Things I won't Do Now, Things I Won't Do Later, and Things I'll Never Do

A woman's work is never done. Which is probably why they don't make as much.

In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.

How do you find will smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints...

learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but ticking everyone off is a piece of cake

Moving to Google+ after a Facebook change is like moving to Canada after an election. No-one ever actually goes through with it, and even if they did, they wouldn't have any friends when they got there!!

is sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.

The Russian Military is saving money by using inflatable tanks as decoys. You cant tell them apart from the real thing....apart from the sign saying 'No Shoes'..

I believes every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I have a problem with!!!

just painted a blue square in my yard to trick people viewing Google Earth into thinking I have a swimming pool!

will be dressing up as a ball player for the NY Mets this halloween. I figure I won't need a uniform either since at that time of the year, they are all wearing street clothes anyway

is the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I'm asleep
has transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. Enjoy!

It is difficult to be stupid... competition is huge...

thinks animal testing is a terrible idea. they get all nervous and give the wrong answers anyway

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point up

Always look on the bright side. For example, don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey

Finds that most Christians treat their bible like computer software. They just scroll down the terms and conditions without reading it and click 'I agree.'

got bit by a retroactive spider instead of a radioactive one! Now I'm making tie dye webs

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